How did we ever live without Google?

Just for fun, I thought I would check out some of my recent google searches. In addition to fun, it helps me in my goal to not let an entire week go by without posting.

"auto brightness on iphone" - I discovered that feature while plundering through my settings, and couldn't quite figure out what it meant. Yes, it seems self-explanatory, but after doing my own experiment, it didn't seem to do anything. Ergo, google search.

"biggest smelly flower" - Bean needed this information. I'm not really sure why. She asks, I google. It's a "corpse flower," if you're curious. I *really* don't want to smell one.

"phineas and ferb get busted" <------- I did not do this search. My children have learned how to work the google. They've been given instructions that they are not allowed to google anything, or watch youtube videos (learned how to work that, too) without asking. A couple of children are now busted, as well.

"Marc Roberge" - Lead singer for O.A.R. I had to see if he looked like his voice. Good god, that man's voice sends me over the edge. In a good way. *chills*

"Kay Redfield Jamison quotes" - I can't remember why I was looking this up. Kay Redfield Jamison is the author of "An Unquiet Mind," an excellent book about living, and almost not, with bipolar disorder. If you have bipolar disorder, love someone with bipolar disorder, or just want to understand someone with bipolar disorder, I can't recommend this book highly enough.

"missing desktop icons" - Farking Vista. Half of my desktop icons just stopped working one day. *click click*...nothing. So, I did a restart. Guess what? The ones that didn't work were GONE. Half of my icons just went *poof*. I can't remember what the hell they all were, so now, as I need those programs, I have to go into the Start Menu and recreate a shortcut.

"when I grow up lyrics" - I was quite relieved to find out that the Pussycat Dolls wanted "groupies" and not "boobies" when they grow up. I mean, who *doesn't* want boobies, on themselves or someone else, but I really don't want my 8-year-old singing about it. I don't really want her singing that song at all, but if she's going to, and some things I just have no control over between school and @#$%&! Kidz Bop (Thankyouverymuch McDonald's Happy Meals. Didn't see that one coming. The commercials are bad enough, but I had managed to avoid buying them despite repeated requests.), at least she's not announcing loudly that she can't wait to grow (and here's where you can add "slang words for breasts" to the google searches)(and did you know there's 138?)(Neeners? Really?) breasts.

Funny story... A lovely BFF (I told you, I'm 13! Shut up.) whom I will not name, has a daughter roughly the same age as mine, who announced recently that she can't wait to grow up and have her own boobies so she can touch them all the time. Right in the middle of laughing, I realized that she has a point. Unfortunately, when she grows up, she'll find out that it's much more fun to feel someone *else's* boobies than it is your own. I would imagine. I'm pretty sure. Any volunteers?

Today, "frottage" - This makes three times now that I've learned a new word (Okay, two. I *thought* I knew what one of them was, and I was in the ballpark.) from Figleaf. I can't remember what those other ones were, and the amount of plundering it would take to find them...wait, let me try just for fun...I know they are in a post about pockets (I apparently only remember things I don't need to know.).

Found'em! "tautologically" and "therbligs"

Go ahead...add them to *your* google searches.

TMI

Wow, this one is all over the place...

1. Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?
I currently live about 800 miles from the small town in southern Illinois where I was born. In between then and now, I have not only lived all over the US, I have gone back there to live a couple of times.

2. What is the farthest distance from home you have ever had sex or an orgasm?
Honeymoon in Jamaica.

What is the farthest distance you have traveled from your home to have a sexual encounter?
Are we talking traveling just to have sex and nothing else? Like, booty call travel? That would be out my back door, across the back yard, across his back yard, and in his back door. (heh...shut up) Not really so far. :-)

3. How many states (or Canadian provences or your country's geopolitical division) and counties have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?
Let's see...Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, Maryland, DC, and *possibly* Texas and Illinois, although I'm not entirely sure about those. I'm not even going to attempt the counties, but I will say that some of the things I've done were illegal in many of them.

4. Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?
Yes, and no.

5. Do you have any travel related fantasy? If so, share, please.
Does an elevator count? It *does* travel. Up and down. I say it qualifies. So, yes. I'll keep the details to myself, thank you.

Bonus: On holidays that honor our military do you tend to remember those currently serving or veterans of military service?
My understanding of Memorial Day is that its purpose is to remember those who sacrificed their lives while serving in the military. I am blessed that I have not lost anyone close to me, so my thoughts are geared more toward being grateful for the selflessness of the many men and women who gladly bore the burden of protecting our country.

*~*~*

I had other stuff to say, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. Shocking...

I could give up chocolate, but I'm not a quitter

~*~*~

My 8-year-old Bean has taken to waking me up on the weekends with coffee and a dark chocolate truffle in bed. She makes the coffee herself, with one Splenda and just the right amount of milk.

No, you can't have her.

~*~*~

A Bought Set

That's what my friend Abby calls breast implants. Cracks me up.

Yesterday, Vixen's CQW was regarding a growing trend towards women getting plastic surgery to improve the look of their labia and/or vagina. The question at hand was whether or not women (or men, if there were an equivalent surgery...and I'm sure there is) would consider surgery like that. The responses were, for the most part, some form of "no."

The subject of other plastic surgeries came up, with many people weighing in on that subject, as well. To quote *me* (and who better to quote?) :

"While I wouldn’t consider surgery THERE for cosmetic reasons alone, it’s hard for me, having had plastic surgery myself, to knock someone else for doing it.

I was *really* unhappy with the way my breasts looked after two kids, and I didn’t think there was any reason why I should have to be unhappy with them for the rest of my life. So, if one’s girly bits cause them to be self-conscious for some reason, go for it."

Yeh...shocker, I know. C'mon, if you've seen me naked, you know you wondered. I don't advertise, but I've always answered honestly when asked. And let me tell you, if you've wondered about other post-baby boobies, the answer is most likely *yes*. Perky post-baby boobies - particularly post-breastfeeding boobies - are an anomaly. Nature just isn't that kind.

So, why? Why do we do this? One word used was vanity, which to most people, and definitely in the context of the statement, is equivalent to conceit. Yes, there are a lot of women and men out there who are trying to be perfect, but most of us just want a body that we feel comfortable in. That we will be happy to see in the mirror every day for the rest of our (hopefully long) lives.

Here's where the sad part comes in, though. I think most of us *would* be happy if society and the media weren't telling us that we *shouldn't* be. I'm not saying that I regret my surgery, but what made me feel uncomfortable? Part of it was that I didn't look like "me" anymore. That body belonged to someone else. But, a large part of it was also that message we all receive that a real, average body isn't good enough. It almost starts to feel like a character flaw rather than a physical one, and it shouldn't feel like a flaw at all!

I can only speak from a woman's point of view. How can you not feel intimidated when your man (speaking in general terms here) spends time drooling over perfectly made up and airbrushed women in magazines and on tv? How about those tabloids that publish pictures of celebrity women sans makeup and SCREAM on the cover how ugly those women are? While you're standing there in the check-out line sans makeup, in a ponytail, with baby drool on you. And under your baggy t-shirt is a pair of breasts that have seen better days.

If you subscribe to Playboy, or anxiously await the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, or express your desire to bone some pretty young thing on tv, you can't very well knock a woman for trying to achieve the impossible standards that you are encouraging through your actions.

TMI: HNT's 4th Anniversary

1. Have you ever participated in HNT? If so, when? If not, why not?

I started participating in HNT in September of 2005, so just a few months after it started. That was back in the day when people actually put their picture up, and "upped" themselves on...*gasp*...Thursday. In fact, I usually didn't even take my picture until after I sent the kids to school on Thursday, so it wouldn't be up until mid-morning. Now, of course, it seems that if you don't get it up (heh) Wednesday night, and up yourself at exactly 9:30 pm OsTime (it's mountainsomething), you're late to the party. I, like a lot of HNT'ers, got almost obsessive about having a picture every.single.week. Otherwise, people might go away, right? And I had to stay up until 11:30 pm MYtime to up myself, even if I was exhausted, or I felt all panicky. That, along with a few other things, was a red flag for me. Time to take a break. So I did, and guess what? Lots of people went away. Guess what else? It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

2. Have you ever avoided certain sites because of the HNT pictures that were posted?

I have, and it's not because I am judgmental about the content, it's just that it's not for me. I like to seek out my porn, not be surprised by it. :-) (MY husband is now going to say "What porn? Share!")

3. Have you ever posted a HNT picture that you wish that you hadn't?

*Now*, no. Then, yes. When it was my turn for the OsShirt, I was in a bit of a depressive state. My picture reflected that, really. It just wasn't my style, but it was all I could manage. And, wouldn't you know it, I got my first negative anonymous comment that day. Someone who pointed out a few things that I was/am sensitive about. It got to me so much that I stopped doing HNT for six months. I wouldn't let it get to me like that now.

4. Do you email/text/call anyone regularly with someone you met through HNT?

A few, yes. However, the friendship didn't grow because we liked each other's pictures. It grew because we actually read each other's words. So, yes, we may have stumbled upon each other making the HNT rounds, but the words kept us coming back.

5. What percentage of your online friends are current or former HNTers?

I had to stop and think about it, because I don't think of them in that context, but, as it turns out, many of them are HNT'ers. I'm kind of surprised.

6. Does anyone in your "real" life know that you do HNT (if, of course, you do)?

Yes, but very few, and only those that can be trusted implicitly not to out me to my family (excluding my husband, of course) or community.

7. Other than previously-known friends, have you met any fellow HNTers?

I'd love to meet any of the bloggers I've become friends with. And if they want to flash me their (as yet, unseen) (and I say "as yet" because I do hold out hope) boobies *cough*FADKOG*cough*, I am certainly not going to say no. :-)

8. Have you ever downloaded someone else's HNT pictures?

Yes, I have an entire external hard drive filled with every one of your pictures.

What? You don't believe me?

Actually, it never occurred to me, and why would I when I can just plunder through your blog willy nilly whenever I neeeeeeed to see you. ;-)

BONUS QUESTION: Have you ever submitted a picture for "...the Other HNT"?

Indeed, I have. It wasn't very "Other" worthy. Just some nice marks left from a flogger.

~*~*~

I didn't put the cute little TMI button up there because, for some reason, my formatting is getting all jacked up. This is the first time I've ever blogged through Safari, and it may be the last.

No bloggers were injured in the writing of this post

I often refrain from commenting on blogs, even when I feel I have something valuable to say, for two reasons.

I am afraid I will hurt the feelings of the blogger, even though what I would say would be said with the best of intentions.

I am afraid of being dismissed as a brainless twit, even if my point is valid and conveyed in a semi-intelligent manner.

And so, 90% of the time, I stick to fluff. Here, there, and everywhere. You don't have to apologize for fluff. You don't have to defend fluff.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

~George Bernard Shaw

My husband brought home a couple of magazines for me from...the gym?...I don't remember...but it took me a couple of days to get around to looking at them.

As I started flipping through one of them, something began nagging at me that I couldn't quite put my finger on...

The ads and the articles were...odd.

Revitalift Deep-Set Wrinkle Repair.

Aveda Enbrightenment skin care that promises 34% reduction in the appearance of "dark" spots. (We all know what they *really* mean. AGE spots!)

Aveeno Positively Ageless. Cover Girl SimplyAgeless. Garnier Ultra-Lift Pro Deep Wrinkle Cream (They really had to drive it home with the bolding.)

What magazine is this? MORE? MORE what?

And then I found it. "More...Celebrating Women 40+!"

Ohhhhh. *evil Grinch face* That dude is *so* getting a subscription to AARP.

*flipping through more pages*

Tim Gunn's Guide to Dressing Your Age.

An Astroglide ad emphasizing "relief for vaginal dryness" because, you know, after 40, the girly bits go into drought mode.

Another ad discussing "age-appropriate looks." We 40-something girls seem to be incredibly ignorant in this area.

Enablex for "overactive bladders." I feel like I should let this one slide because, while my bladder appears to be quite sedentary, after two big babies, coughing or running when I have to pee is *really* not a good idea. It causes one to stomp their foot and yell "dammit!"

Estroven for menopause relief.

Even the frickin' Eukanuba dog food ad is for OLD DOGS! I'm surprised the Quilted Northern Ultra Plush ad didn't offer to be kinder to my old fossil of an ass.

When I emerged from my perimenopausal hormone-induced psychotic rage, I realized that it was *possible* he had no idea what kind of magazine he was giving his age-sensitive wife.

I'm sure he'll confirm this when he comments. His life depends on it.

Labial...labral...not so easy to differentiate over the phone

"I really got worried with the labral tear. My dirty mind thought you meant something else for a moment ;)" ~TUG

Me too! I was totally confused. The assistant read the results to me over the phone, and she went down the list exactly as I wrote it yesterday.

"Possible labral tear."

Say what? No...I don't think so...what? Shoulder! You MRI'd my shoulder!

What I really said was "Bummer." Bless Google. Type in "shoulder labial" and you get corrected right away! G'head, try it.

*~*~*

Thank you, Figleaf, for totally bringing me down correcting my assumption that we were easing into the The Great Palate Expander Adventure easily. ;-) Unfortunately, Kelly, who's daughter had this done as well, agreed with you.

Bummer.

Now I can correct what I told Bean, and therefore not make a liar out of myself. I do my best to convey to my kids exactly how much something will hurt so that they will know they can trust me. She'll be getting some ibuprofen before we go.

*~*~*

No TMI today. I feel like I've touched on most of those topics recently, but I will definitely get around to read yours.

Oh, and FADKOG? In the words of that great philosopher, Bryan Adams, everything I do, I do it for you. ;-)

You know when I'm down to just my socks, it's time for business. That's why they call it business socks.

~Flight of the Concords, Business Time

Wow. Two weeks. How did that happen? Easily, I suppose, when you just don't have a lot to say.

I hope all of you mamas out there had a great day yesterday. My Mother's Day was very nice. I was served breakfast in bed, and it included an omelet smile, a half banana nose, two muffin eyes, and bacon eyebrows. The omelet had a green crayola candle in it, and the bottom melted into my warm omelet, making a huge green spot. HA! Green eggs...

I got 6 pairs of new socks, which you may be laughing at, but it THRILLED me. My socks are all mismatched, save for maybe two pairs. I change my shoes in my class at the gym hoping no one will notice. I also got two bags of chocolate truffles, and...the best part...a gift card to the sporting goods store! My man knows me well.

*~*~*

Remember that MRI? I was so sure that they wouldn't find anything wrong with my shoulder, and that I was just being a wimp. Boy, was I wrong.

By the way, before I lay out the bad news, does this scenario sound familiar to anyone? Me not wanting to go to the doctor, and being fairly certain that whatever I am complaining about will turn out to be nothing, and I'll feel like a candypants??? It's kind of starting to sink in. This scenario has twice led to emergency surgery because I thought I was a wimp and could tough it out. Perhaps I should rethink my strategy.

The news...starts out sounding not so bad, but gets worse as you go.

• Tendinitis in the bicep tendon and superspinatus (part of the rotator cuff)
• Capsule laxity in the shoulder joint (basically, my rotator cuff joint has too much space and is loose)
• Possible labral tear (the labrum is cartilage that makes your shoulder joint more stable)

I start physical therapy on Wednesday, and I'm supposed to do it for 6 weeks. I suppose we will re-evaluate at that point. It *might* be necessary to have surgery to tighten the joint and repair the tear (if there is one).

Yay. Because I have no idea what my instructions will be regarding work, I dropped my upper body weight down a bit...sort of...5 lbs is a bit, right?...until I find out what they want me to do. I know I should be good. Better to feel like a wuss now, but keep working, than to have surgery and be away from work for a while. Although, in all honesty, I wouldn't let it stop me. I would just have to improvise.

*~*~*

Bean starts The Great Palate Expander Adventure tomorrow. I have a feeling that I'm going to have a very unhappy little girl on my hands over the next month or two as she adjusts. It is just now occurring to me that she volunteered to be a narrator for her choir concert in a few weeks, and the expander my affect her speech for a while. Ugh. Bad mommy.

Tomorrow, we go in for the spacers. Next week, they make an impression of her upper palate. Then two weeks later, we go back and get the palate expander put in. I've been looking up pictures and info for Bean and I to look at so that we know what to expect.

I hate voluntarily doing things that are going to hurt my children. Like getting H's tonsils taken out. Yes, I realize that both are necessary for their health, but, to me, it's like saying "I've made a decision to hurt you." It kills me.

*~*~*

My dad starts chemo today. I'm not sure what drug they are using first, but it is injected directly into his bladder through a catheter ("You get some young girl grabbing your wanker and shoving that thing in!" <----- my dad), and then they "rotisserate" you (again, his words) for two hours. So, you can't read or watch tv or anything because they are spinning you around like a pig with an apple in it's mouth. They will start the interferon later, and he was bemoaning the possible loss of his hair. All six strands.

*~*~*

Oh! Funny thing about those Mother's Day muffins. Bean found the recipe in the Kid's Post portion of the Washington Post, and she and my husband baked them on Saturday. She is NO good at keeping secrets about fun surprises, and she just couldn't stand to wait until Sunday morning, so she brought me one warm from the oven and said "Now, you have to completely forget about this before tomorrow morning!"

I believe that is the first time I've been called upon to actually utilize my poor memory.