Let's Talk About Sex

The lovely Dana of Amid Life's Crises recently shared the story of a church conference she attended with her son that addressed adolescents and sexuality, how to help your children navigate a world that bombards them with sexual images and information, and also included the signing of a list of Purity Promises.

I applaud any parent who is proactive in this regard, and Dana and I, and I'm sure many of you, are fans of the balanced approach. Promote abstinence, but provide realistic information.

There were two comments in particular made on that post that got my attention. I'll summarize and give you the gist, but won't name names. Most people don't comment on someone's blog expecting another commenter to take their words and run with it. These are just my thoughts based on what I read.

Being vague, while still conveying all of the pertinent information, is going to require rubbing more than two brain cells together... *deep breath*

A blogger commented that she had given her daughters a symbol of their commitment to Christ, and that the intention was that it would someday be replaced by their future husbands with a similar symbol representing that commitment. The blogger conveyed her desire to the girls that they wait until they were in a committed relationship to have sex. She finished it up with the statement "Ultimately, the choice was theirs..."

I see some contradictions in the sentiments that were conveyed to the girls, and I see the potential for deception and guilt. I'm speaking in general terms, because I know absolutely nothing about this blogger's family or relationship with her daughters. All I know is my own history, and my reaction is based on that.

It's the symbol that's bothering me. An outward symbol, worn for all the world to see, that implies purity. Not because the individual was motivated and sought it out, but because a parent, someone most children want to please, gave it to them with specific instructions. Instructions that seem to equate "waiting for a committed relationship" with "waiting for marriage." What if her daughter doesn't marry until well into adulthood? Is she expected to abstain until then? What if she's over 18 and decides to enter into a sexual relationship outside of marriage? What happens to that purity symbol? Take it off, thereby announcing to all who are aware of it's significance that she is no longer "pure?" Continue to wear it so as not to disappoint her parents?

How do we define "committed?" Personally, I hate that term. Don't we all want to think our relationships are committed? Who makes that call? What's the criteria? It's a subjective term, and therefore, in my mind, fails to meet the qualifications for a legitimate yardstick.

"Ultimately, the choice was theirs..." Was it? Of course, however a lot of parents (not saying this one in particular is one of those) state that there is a choice, but really mean something else. The spoken message, "You have a choice," is really the unspoken message, "You have a choice, BUT..." BUT, if you don't choose *my* choice, you'll disappoint me. Ouch.

The second comment, one that Dana addressed today, was one that implied that it may be hypocritical to relate our experiences while expressing a desire that our children not follow in our footsteps. The "do as I say, not as I do" attitude.

I personally feel that if I am not honest with my children about my past, then I am setting them up. To give the impression that I am perfect may make them afraid to come to me when they screw up. I say "when" because they will at some point, in some way. Accepting that prevents me from setting myself up for disappointment. It does not say "G'head, screw up."

My son is his own person. My daughter is her own person. I have never had any preconceived notions of who they will be. I will absolutely attempt to steer them away from decisions that I perceive to be harmful at the present time, or in the long run.

But, ultimately, the choice is theirs. And I mean exactly that.