Bean is 8

I say it every year. I have no idea where the time went. My baby is 8, and just yesterday she was that baby girl with severe reflux who puked on me, like Exorcist quality spewing, at least 5 times a day. We both changed clothes 5 times a day, but sometimes I would forget the small spit-ups and accidentally go to the store with an icky shirt. Lovely.

She is a joy, and I marvel at how on Earth such a wonderful creature came from me.

Of course, because the girl had a picture, the boy had to have one, too. :)

TMI Tuesday

First names and approximate age is fine too many of you aren't anonymous and too many of you wish to stay anonymous.

1. Who and when was your first crush?
Well, I had a little "puppy love" thing going on with this boy named Kevin in Kindergarten, but we moved from San Francisco back to Illinois when my dad retired from the Army. That was the end of that. My first *real* crush, though, was on this boy named Ricky. That was in the 7th grade, and my stomach would do flip-flops every time I even thought about him. It was short-lived. My crush was unrequited. *sob*

Right before we graduated from high school, Ricky got drunk and dove into the shallow end of a pool. He became quadriplegic.

2. Who and when was your first date?
Ummm...I don't know. Isn't that sad? I'm sure it was a one time thing with no one special.

3. Who and when was your first kiss?
Oh...ick. I mentioned this before. It was awful. A boy named Kelly who was a family friend. We were sitting on the couch one day in the summer before 7th grade, and he kissed me and then stuck his tongue in my mouth. Shocked the hell out of me. *GAG* It was sooooo gross! Still makes me gag to think about it.

I have since changed my opinion of those kind of kisses. ;)

4. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in car?
Oh god, that would be Mark. What a nightmare. I was a freshman in high school, he was a senior at a different school. He was a "bad boy" and drank, smoked, and listened to Ozzy. (Nothing against Ozzy) Mark also had serious mental problems that came out slowly. I cut him lose after about 6 months, but he stalked me on and off for 4 years after that.

If you recall, I was bullied through my first three years of high school. HE was the reason. Trust me, Debbie Roberts, he was nothing to get upset over.

5. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in a house?
That would be David. Met him at the skating rink. He was actually neighbors with crazy Mark Daily. Coincidence. It was somewhere between 8th and 9th grade.

Wait...what does "fooling around" mean? It's just occurring to me to ask *LOL* I'm thinking "making out," but you might be thinking something entirely different.

6. Who and when was your first love?
Tony. That's a bittersweet thing. We dated 5 years, starting when I was 15. He was a year older than me and my "first." I was his first, too. I don't have a single negative thing to say about him or our relationship. He was an awesome guy.

When I was 20, I decided that I must have been missing out on something, and I broke up with him to explore. I quickly regretted it, but it was too late. He had started dating someone else, and I made an ASS of myself for well over a year trying to win him back. It made him afraid of me, and I don't blame him. He married that girl, they still live back home, and they have three children. I know this only from town gossip, basically. He won't speak to me even to this day. That stings a bit. I want him to know I'm not a psycho and that I turned out relatively okay. (shuddap)

Bonus: Who's blog did you first comment on?
Memphis Steve. Steve is a high school friend, and I found out he had a blog after our 20th reunion. I started blogging because of him.

~*~*~

Quick note here because my husband told me my post was too long yesterday. *sticking tongue out*

I think I've mentioned that Bean has a boyfriend? They are "drawn to each other like magnets" she said. I use that in my body pump classes now to tell people to get their elbows closer together during the skull crushers. :) Works like a charm and makes them laugh.

Bean has made many comments over the last couple of months, and just a few days ago was saying "what if I feel like kissing him?" I am SO glad she feels comfortable saying these things to us, but GAWD GIRL, you're gonna be 8 on Thursday! I replied that Mom and Dad do not want her kissing boys at her age.

Anyway, yesterday she informed me that she had told Sean that she was falling in love with him. D'oh! It's a good thing I was walking away from her when she said it, because I VISIBLY cringed.

"Really...what did he say about that?"

"He said it's okay because he already has a girlfriend in New York."

If age brings wisdom, I'm still reeeeally young.

It's Manic Monday. I'm ignoring two of the questions, because I can't really answer them. They are either obvious or impossible to answer.

So, it being my blog and all, I'm going to be a rebel and answer just one of them.

Fill in the blank: If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be ______.

The first thing that entered my head was "I don't want to be anyone else." Surprised? I sure as hell was.

I know I'm supposed to give some fun answer, like naming a celebrity or something, but there just isn't anyone else I want to be. Sure, there are many things about myself that I don't like. There are things about my life that I don't like. But, I'm smart enough to know that EVERYONE feels that way. I dare you to show me a perfect person who is completely satisfied with every aspect of their life.

There is no such thing as greener grass. There may be some that is softer to walk on, but wouldn't that be temporary? I mean, I'm responsible for many of the things in my life that make me unhappy. Wouldn't I eventually make that new grass all prickly again?

The solution to being happy is not to be someone else, but to be a better me. Doing it is not as easy as saying it.

*~*~*

I fell asleep in my chair on Saturday afternoon. As I slept, I felt a body climb on top, a head rest on my chest, arms wrap around my waist, and a little hand take mine and give it three squeezes. Secret code in our family for "I love you."

*squeeze... squeeze... squeeze*

"Am I your best boy?"

*~*~*

So, I read something recently, and for the life of me I can't remember where (shocking, I know), that slammed Madonna for dressing "young" at her age. I'm not sure why, but it has stuck with me and gnawed at me.

It's not like I dress trendy or anything. For god's sake, I barely dress, really. I live in either gym clothes, or levis and tees. I guess what bothered me was the idea that certain clothing styles belong to a certain age.

If I were 10 or 20 years older, would I be considered pathetic if I was wearing low-rise jeans and baby-doll tees?

Remember Nice Ass Pool Mom? Who's jeans I loved so much that my husband took a picture of her ass, and I asked you all to help me figure out what kind they were, and then I bought them from eBay? I was at my daughter's soccer game in the spring, and found out that other moms talk about NAPM behind her back because she dresses young and trendy. NAPM is about 7 years younger than me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm sure it has not escaped your knowledge that I resent getting older. Yeh yeh, "it's just a number." It's still a number that stings. It's like wearing someone else's clothes. Someone else's tight, itchy pants.

I joke that I will go down swinging, but let's put it another, more direct, way. I may be aging gracefully, but I am not aging graciously. I don't want to be one of those women who is viewed as sad because she refuses to succomb to what society deems appropriate for *gag* a *gag* middle-aged *gag some more* woman *run and throw up in the sink.* And yet, just by writing this, I've put myself in that place.

You know what's really funny? I started out this post saying I didn't want to be anyone else, and basically, I've made it clear now that I actually do. I want to be a younger ME. Not me when I was younger. There's a huge difference. Younger, with more life ahead, but with the life experiences that the additional years have brought me.

Gee, what was I just saying last week about accepting the fact that you can't stop age from happening??? Well, that IS the definition of a one-biscuit hound. Those life lessons don't necessarily stick the first time.

Stop squandering time, Biscuit. Stop wishing for things that cannot be. Don't let today be another day that slipped by, and made you another day older, without really living it.

All Star Cast Meme

Wow, I am so over-due on getting this done. My apologies to Vixen, who tagged me.

I'm supposed to pick stars to play the parts if a movie were to be made about my life. This was HARD for me. I went with a combination of looks and personality. The hardest, by far, was to pick ME.

I didn't necessarily stick with current stars. You'll just have to pretend that they would all be available in the moment of their life in which I selected them.

For my son, I chose Wil Wheaton. Cute and geeky. :)

For my daughter, I chose Shirley Temple. Cute, talented, and loves to sing and dance.

For my husband, I chose Tom Selleck. I've always thought they resembled each other, and my husband recently grew a goatee. If only Tom had curly hair!

For myself...I was unable to find someone suitable. I've always said Reese Witherspoon before because she is from the south and she plays goofy very well. I don't think I look like any celebrities, but I've been told a few times that I resemble Katherine Heigl. I'm not seeing it, but I'll take the compliment if you strip her of all of her glamor. Imagine she has reddish hair.

Matthew Perry is SO my brother.

Consider yourself tagged, if'n you wanna. ;) And let me know if you do it!

~*~*~

A 13-year-old girl came to my BP class Wednesday. She has just started working with a trainer, and he suggested that she come to my class. He asked me to take care of her, and I did my best. I planted her right in front of me and kept my eye on her the entire time. I was SO impressed. When I was 13, I would have been a total drama queen if it had been hard, if I thought I looked goofy, or if I couldn't do everything right. She not only stuck it out, she did it with a smile on her face. Do you know how many adults come to the class and WHINE and don't come back because it was too hard and it hurt? She didn't complain at all, and said she would be back. I really hope she does come back. I'd love to watch her progression.

~*~*~

It's pouring rain, and we are trapped inside. Bean and I baked a cake, my husband roasted pumpkin seeds and has set up an obstacle course upstairs to keep the kids busy, and the boy got a much needed hair cut this morning.

Oddly enough, the day is flying by. That might be because I slept until 9:00. :)

Happy weekend!

AK-SINT...or...I found the UCP video.

As much as I'd like to, I do not have the will power to resist telling this story because it's just too damn funny. To me, anyway.

So, this morning after I put the kids on the bus, I was thinking about the fun *wink* my husband and I had the other day, and I thought about it quite a lot, actually. Enough that I decided a little alone fun was necessary.

(I am so glad I'm not vlogging *this*)
Skipping to the end...right as the O started, a truck started backing up on the street, and the BEEP...BEEP...BEEP was *perfectly* timed with the O spasms and IT TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT!!!

Laughing kills orgasms. Just sayin'.

***

I have had the nastiest ear worms lately. The last one was accidentally placed there by my son. He repeated some words over and over, and my brain instantly translated it to a segment of The Bloodhound Gang's Fire Water Burn. You know, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire." You know how in the regular version it says "we don't need no water, let the mother fucker burn," but in the radio version, they replace the "fucker" with a donkey braying? "We don't need no water, let the mother HEE-HAW burn. Burn, mother HEE-HAW, burn."

Yeh..that's the part that went through my head all HEE-HAW day long.

Your welcome. Hey, my pain is your pain.

***

Alright, the moment you've been waiting for. I found the video this morning. In a "safe" place. Funny how one tends to collect so many of those.

Don't you dare touch that play button until you promise me two things!

1. If you have not already, you must watch the video in the previous post so that you will have a comparison.

2. You will not break up with me.

Deal?

The quality is horrible. I had to video the VHS playing on my tv, and it's an old noisy crinkly VHS. You will either laugh, or cringe and watch it through your fingers the way I do horror movies. I like to alternate between the two. If you need a translation for what I said, I'll provide one. I am totally rocking the 1992 look with big dangley earrings, huge gold buttons all over my top, stirrup pants (inside my socks!), and white Keds. AND, don't miss the part at the end where I thought the camera was already off me, and I just picked up my stuff and left. My co-workers waiting in the lobby had a great laugh over that one.

RLL, break out your TUMS.

Ready? Go.



Do you think I said "um" enough?

Wednesday Weirdness vlog style

This is a vlog gone wrong, of sorts, which will be explained in the video. But it's my first one!! I've been wanting to sit at the cool kids lunch table for a while.

Two things that need to be mentioned. ASM, after doing this, I noticed (duh!) that it's your birthday...ergo all of the birthday questions. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I also noticed that I was correct in my assumption that you have not hit the dreaded 40 yet.

Which brings me to this (which will make more sense after the video): The Bobby Bird. I can't remember if I've ever covered this before, so I'll explain quickly. My brother's step son is 28, however he is mentally disabled and functions on about the level of a 10 year old. When he gets pissed off, that filter between your brain and your actions does not function well (*LOL* happens to the best of us) and sometimes he'll give someone the finger. Problem is, Bobby can't remember which finger is the correct one, and while he's tried them all, he usually defaults to the pinky. So, in my family, we give each other the "Bobby Bird." What the forehead flick is to "you dumbass," the Bobby Bird is to "you dickhead." Got it? Bonus is, you can do it in public and no one will get offended :)

So...grab a libation and sit a spell if you're brave enough to press play. I tried really hard to keep it short, but apparently my sense of time goes right out the window when I'm running my mouth. It's 6 minutes. God, I'm so sorry!!!

Wednesday Weirdness, vlog style...

TMI Tuesday

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
More like disappointed in myself. You know, those "crap, why did I do that?" kind of moments. The one-timers that just made no sense at all and were impulsive non-decisions.

2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
*LOL* Yes. It was the most awfully obvious fake, but it got me in the door. It said I was, like, 25 or something. And I was 19. A young looking 19. I always went to clubs with friends who knew the bouncers. I only got brave enough to buy beer with it once. It made me so nervous, I never did it again. It really ticked me off that I went out to a club on my 21st birthday and didn't get carded for the first time.

3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
I don't know that I can judge the frequency. I don't like to, that's for sure. With my memory, it gets me into trouble. I'm not sure how you tell any kind of lie without thinking about it first.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Constructive, very well unless it's my husband. I wish I was better at that. I know those things need to change. Otherwise, I ask for it constantly from work people. I WANT to know if there are things I can do to improve my performance. It's important to me. I certainly don't like the nit-picky stuff done in front of other people, though.

5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
Um...yes.

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
I think from a woman's point of view...okay MY point of view because I'm not sure how other women feel...there would have to be some sort of connection. If they were truly a friend, and there was definite respect, as well as chemistry, then I suppose I might be able to. A lot of people would say then why not just have a relationship, but sometimes that's just not feasible for some reason. It would take some serious big-girl panties for me to be able to do it. Without a ton of reassurance, I'd end up feeling used.

I think a higher percentage of men could easily do it. I think men can have sex much more easily without an emotional connection, or without feeling used. Perhaps that's a stereotype.

***

That poor Verizon guy. It took him 8 hours to get everything hooked up. He was such a doll and so patient. A house built in 1928 just doesn't accommodate that kind of installation easily.

BUT...here's the really good part: I'M WIRELESS! I had no idea that was going to happen, and when I found out I told the guy I wanted to kiss him. He got embarrassed.

***

Funny story from my spinning class today. We got on the subject of the old Rep Reebok class that used to be taught, and how the songs grow on you, and one of the women said that she would often put them on her iPod and then listen to them when she worked out on her own. Then she said one of her favorites was "Milkshake." And she said, "You know, that 'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard' song." Without thinking, I blurted out "But that song's about BOOBS!" She laughed and said "I know."

She's probably close to 60, and obviously of the same frame of mind that I am.

In the battle against maturity, go down swingin'.

Manic Monday & Weekend Wrap Up

How long does it take you to get out of bed in the morning?
As I've stated before, I do not wake up easily. It hurts. The first word in my head every single day is "NO." I can't just sit up and get out of bed. I have my process. I have to get psyched up. I have to argue with the world for about 5 minutes. Once I actually make the decision that I am, indeed, going to get myself out of the bed, it probably takes me a full minute to actually do it. The very last step usually involves putting my feet and legs over the side of the bed while my upper body is still lying down and my face is buried in the pillow. Talk about separation anxiety.

Do you usually sleep on one side of the bed or another?
*snicker* Um...doesn't everyone? I mean, those are the choices. *This* side...or *that* side. Unless you're one of those jackasses who spreads out and takes up the entire bed while your partner clings for dear life to one little corner.

Oh, wait, does this mean that I have a usual side of the bed? One that I always sleep on? Then the answer is yes. At home, I am always on the left side of the bed (if you are lying on it). For some reason, we sometimes change places while on vacations, but it is because I don't like sleeping next to windows.

Something you wish to accomplish before the end of the year:
Have my hair grow about 3 more inches, become 10 years younger, drastically improve my memory, develop a love for the holidays, declutter the whole house...

Um...learn to set realistic goals.

***

Saturday was another Family Day at my husband's *other* office. Don't ask me how many he has. It's a secret (Translation: I don't know). Family Day is mostly aimed at the kids, of course. Balloon animals, face painting, and LOTS of cool pictures taken from satellites.

Oh, look, there's the Earth! Never seen that before...

I kid. It really is very interesting to see what goes into making satellites and collecting images from them.

***

I didn't manage to get any good pictures of me at the BP Launch Thursday night, but my supervisor might have. I didn't go to a lot of trouble for the "rock star" theme. Black eyeshadow, fake tattoos, midnight blue nail polish, black clothes. The fingernails surprised some people in my HNT that day because I have made my aversion to having my nails painted well known. The other instructor I taught with (she taught the first half, I taught the second half) chose an interesting route... glittery body spray, a tiara, and long white gloves. Declared herself the Queen of Rock, she did.

My husband said we worked well together as a team, though.

***

I am sitting here waiting for the Verizon guy to come and switch over our service. He'll be here somewhere between 8 am - 12 pm. Don't you love how they give you those time windows for when they will arrive? Why are they always four hour windows? Seriously, they can't narrow this down a little more? I mean, where is this dude going before 8 am?

They said it will take 4 to 6 hours to complete the installation. ?!?!?! Dang. I mean, if he's cute, no big deal, but what if he's some smelly, greasy guy with his crack showing?

OH! He's here...let's check before I hit publish...

Alright, no eye candy, but a very nice guy. Cross your fingers that I actually have internet service by the end of the day.

"I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!"

Wednesday Weirdness

1. If you could only eat one fruit for an entire year and that fruit would magically be in season and ripe that full year, which fruit would you choose and why?
Pineapple! I will generally eat fresh pineapple until my mouth is raw. I don't know how to stop.

Come to think of it that might not be a good thing, but perhaps one builds up a tolerance?

2. What is something that makes you sad?
Nothing. Absolutely not a thing makes me sad. I am the happiest person in the entire world. Perky, even. I smile constantly, dance and twirl my way through my day, and I burst into song at every opportunity. Small animals, birds, and rodents follow me everywhere I go, helping with my chores. What's a girl got to be sad about?

Oh fuck, I went and confused myself with a Disney Princess again.

3. What would you do if you came home from an extended vacation and found that someone else was living in your house?
Did they clean it?

We did come back after 6 days and find that someone had been living in our house. Amused the hell out of me.

4. What US President, alive or otherwise, would you like to have dinner with?
This is the part where I'm supposed to pick a president, and then look all knowledgeable and shit by detailing all of the important topics I would want to discuss with him, right? Yeh...no.

I pick Bill Clinton. THAT dude's got a freak flag, and I'd love to sit back and watch him run it up the flagpole.

Um...what I mean to say is that I would love to ply him with beer and get him to spill all of his stories. I don't really have any desire to see his pole.

5. What is your opinion on multitasking while driving? (Reading a book or work documents, changing clothes, fixing hair, applying make up, shaving your face, et cetera)
I suppose I have a hierarchy of acceptable multitasking. Talking on the phone wouldn't disturb me so much as seeing a head bobbing up and down on the driver's lap.

6. Do you ever multitask while driving? If so, how often would you say you are guilty of it?
Yes. Often. I listen to BP music and go through the choreography in my head a lot. I talk on the phone or text occasionally.

7. Do you tend to be early, on time, fashionably late or LATE to work and work related events? Do you tend to be more or less punctual for non-work related events?
Oh good lord, late to work would be positively unacceptable in my work. No instructor, no class. "On time" means arriving about 10 minutes before class starts so that I can set up.

As far as other events are concerned, I am more or less punctual. I don't like to be late. People who are habitually late drive me crazy because it sends the clear signal "my time is more important than yours."

8. What is a quirk your significant other has that you would define as "cute"? If you have no SO, what is a quirk you find cute in a potential SO?
I wouldn't so much call it cute as I would charming. He's a book smeller. LOVES the smell of new books. When he gets one, the first thing he does is fan through the pages and inhale deeply. Wacky, but charming.

~*~*~

I am doing the new BP release for the first time tonight. Send me positive vibes. I'm off to study some more...

TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday #156 - Foresight

1. What do you do that sends a clear signal to your partner that you're interested in an intimate evening?
I'm not sure that I am clear some of the time. I may get a little handsy, I may get intensely handsy and press my body against him in that way, I may initiate (not nearly as often as he'd like), or if I've been drinking I might become a lot more direct. I'm thinking "let's fuck" is fairly clear.

2. How important is foreplay to an exciting evening?
It's important, but there's often not much time for that. Foreplay, for me, is ideally a long build up. It's hard to build up the suspense with teasing when you have kids milling about and distracting you. When you get to bed late, taking that extra time means less sleep, and we're both always operating on a loss there.

3. What is the first thing you do during foreplay or what is the first thing you like done to you?
Kisses on the neck are the best place to start with me, along with the teasing caresses.

4. Are you a one and done kind of partner (20 minutes or so) or do you like intimacy sessions longer than 60 minutes?
This is phrased as a time question, but the "one and done" part sounds like an orgasm question. So I'll address both. Time-wise, it just depends on how much of it we have. Orgasm-wise, it fluctuates. Sometimes it's none, sometimes it's one and you know you're cooked, sometimes it's one and you're left wanting more. It depends. Sex isn't a cookbook thing.

BONUS: If you are interested in sex with a same-sex partner, what would be the first thing you'd like to touch on that other person, and why? (For those already in same sex relationships...what was the first thing you touched, or if you were interested in a relationship with the opposite sex, what would be the first thing you touched?)
Their clothes. As in, to remove them. *LOL* Seriously, I have no idea. I think it depends on the person and the moment.

*~*~*

So, I'm pissed at my son's teacher again. Last week she had me in tears on Wednesday, which I hid from my kids. You know how when you get so angry, if you're a girl it makes you cry, and if you're a guy it makes you want to punch something? I wanted to do both. I totally blew my BP class that night because my head was so messed up.

She's a ruthless grader, and this is not just my opinion. I found out after my husband attended Open House yesterday that all of the other parents feel the same way. She always writes things on my son's papers that are unecessary and a little mean. I feel like she's punishing him for having Aspergers. She either doesn't get his weaknesses, or resents having to accomodate them. Supposedly, she has a special ed background. I'm not seeing it.

It also appears that his goals are not being addressed in speech therapy. I'm a pediatric speech pathologist (non-practicing, but that's beside the point). My understanding at his last IEP meeting was that we were carrying over his goals from the previous year, which was to participate in Lunch Bunch with the SLP once a week to work on social/conversational skills. His two goals on his IEP are to carry on a conversation of a specific length and to stay on topic. Come to find out, she's got him doing articulation goals that we never discussed. Both of my children have a slight, barely perceptable and inconsistent lisp. I address it at home from time to time, but quite frankly, among all of his issues, it's pretty far down on the list. She has him working on s/z (same sound, one voiced, the other not). He is missing academic classes to participate in this. To say I am not pleased is an understatement.

We're calling our second special meeting of the year. I have never, in the three previous years he has been at this school, called a special meeting, and now we are on number two after 6 weeks of school. I say number two, because I anticipate there being more.

*~*~*

My parents are not coming after all. At least not now. My dad's blood pressure has gone out of control. He normally has low blood pressure like me, and for the last week it has been up to 190 at time. That's stroke range.

I feel like shit because it took some of the pressure off of me. Of course I'm concerned for my dad, but how awful am I that I am relieved to not have that additional pressure as the holidays approach?

*~*~*

I went to the dentist yesterday. This is a HUGE deal. I haven't been in 5 years. This is embarrassing for me to admit, but I get really freaked out by the dentist. I was a mess all weekend because of it. I had to take a valium before I went, they gave me nitrous oxide, numbed my gums, and treated me with kid gloves.

I am proud to say that only one tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. I am also proud to report that I have no cavities :)

I already scheduled my next appointment so that I can't weasel out of it.

Every child is gifted. They just unwrap their packages at different times.

I was very flattered to be asked by Laura of My New Blog Journey to participate in a series of interviews she is doing with moms of special needs children. Laura is one cool chick! She is a single mother with a special needs boy named Aaron. She is funny, kind, and quite talented. My interview can be found here, but please also click on the link for Laura's front page and read all of the stories.

Here's a story I read when my son was first diagnosed. It was a tremendous help, mostly because it gave me permission to grieve the loss of the boy I thought I would have. A lot of people don't like to hear me say that. I get emails saying "Your son is a gift." Damned straight he is! I know that. I cherish him. He is mine all mine.

Welcome To Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

TMI Tuesday

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?
Seeing as I am not a person who acts with much forethought (with a few exceptions), nor do I make sense much of the time, I'm probably not a good person to answer this. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. Prudence is not included in the flight plan.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
I'm sorry, this one is hurting my brain. I see this as two separate questions. (Ok, duh, they ARE two separate questions, but I mean two separate...um...CRAP! you know what I mean.) Are we talking legal justice, or our internal moral compass? I interpret virtues as character traits of an individual, so I'll go with the latter. My answer is "both." Some use their moral compass to guide their own conduct, while others try to force their moral compass into someone else's hand.

The greatest injustice facing the world today... I suppose the fact that there is no consistency or equity in how justice is applied.

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
It depends on the desire. I've got a little Veruca Salt in me, and I don't *do* anticipation well. I'm going to say that when the desire is material, I am a pro at moderating myself, but if it is something intangible, then I suck.

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
I'm SO much better at facing the big things. I've said it before...I'm your crisis girl. So, as far as the need to summon up courage goes, I need it for the small things.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
Without faith in something, what's the point? My core beliefs are simply MY core beliefs. They don't relate to a faith or a thought pattern that was dictated to me. I am my own person in that way.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
No. I dwell. I get overwhelmed. And then I put on blinders and ignore. And then I *see* all of a sudden, and then I dwell, get overwhelmed, and put the blinders back on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So, the thing I hope for the most is peace. Inner peace. I have never experienced that in my entire life. I want to know what it feels like.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
Give: It's easy for me to FEEL it, but sometimes not as easy to GIVE it. It depends on how I think it will be received. Will it be viewed as permission to step all over me? Will it be misinterpreted? Will it be rejected? See? Easy to feel the love, but not always easy to gift it.

Receive: I really don't want to answer this. I would love to lie, but you'd all call me out. You could answer this for me, right? Here we go...

I don't feel worthy. I WANT to have it...enjoy it... SO much, but the voice in my head says "It's only because they don't know the real you."

There are those who love me warts and all, and I DO let myself believe that it's unconditional and not temporary, but that voice...that damned voice...tells me that I frustrate them. That loving me is a burden. An obligation.

Don't even try flicking me on the forehead. I saw it coming ;) I am NOT being hard on myself. Believe it or not, I like me. A lot of things about me, anyway. But, man, is it hard to undo decades of being emotionally abused, especially when you have no distance from the abuser.

Because it's you.

Who ran to help me when I fell, or would some pretty story tell...

...or kiss the place to make it well? My mother
~Ann Taylor

Manic Monday...click to play.

What is one thing you admire about each of your parents?
My father grew up in utter poverty, the youngest of six, abandoned by his father at the age of 3. The lived in one-room shacks and moved often because his mother couldn't pay the rent. They had very little to eat, clothing had to be shared among the children, and they were the recipients of "charity" (Do you know how patronizing and cruel some people can be under the guise of helping you out?) from the local church. He joined the Army at 15, got his GED, served 25 years, and retired a Lieutenant Colonel. Somewhere along the line, he got a college degree, and while I was in high school, he earned a master's degree. He could have easily chosen to wallow in the craptastic hand that life dealt him, but he had a strength of character that drove him to succeed.

My mother. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes, and it's not that I can't think of something that I admire about my mother, it's that I can't single out ONE thing. They are all intertwined in that idea of "mom." She just is. My mother did all of the things she was supposed to do. She was the quintessential Army wife, the mom who was always there, a great cook, a perfect homemaker and housekeeper, and had a lot of friends. I suspect there are things she wanted to do with her life that she was never able to, but she has never complained.

Which parts of your home do you like best?
I like that it still has some of the original parts from when it was built in 1928. Glass door knobs, original windows with sashes and glass panes that are slightly warped. It makes it cool.

Which would you prefer and why? To have every stoplight turn green upon your arrival for the rest of your life or to have one week of the best sex any person ever had?
Wow, that's a tough one. I'm not a Type A driver, and almost never complain about stop lights or travel time. I wouldn't appreciate the green lights as much as another person might. But, they would always be there.

A week of mind-blowing sex. Very tempting, but what about the rest of your sex life afterward? Would it pale in comparison and leave you wanting? That could be frustrating. But, maybe you could pick up some tricks along the way :) Let's go with the sex.

*~*~*

My supervisor doesn't like me. I don't think it's a flat-out dislike, so much as I rub her the wrong way. It happens.

Each and every time we get together to practice BP before a launch, and when I have team-taught with her, she feels the need to correct something about my form. Every. damn. time. The nit-pickiest little things. Form is something I have been complemented on by everyone else. I have spent a great deal of time working on my form. I am always receptive to feedback, however, giving me feedback in front of others while I am in the middle of teaching a track to my fellow instructors is not constructive. Especially when timed so that I miss a cue because I'm responding to the comment. She did this yesterday AGAIN. I never let on that it bothered me. I thanked her for her advice and kept going. And then I stewed on it all night.

'Cause that's what I do. I stew.

*~*~*

Entourage is back. Californication is back. Survivor is back. Lost will be back soon. The DVR is filling with happiness! It's awesome. This is the GOOD part of Autumn.

My feet, my soul, my arms, my legs, myself, my eggs are all fried

~Tin Star, Head

I'm going to be doing a little bit of minor editing in the archives, so if you use a feed-reader and it starts going crazy saying that I've posted a billion times, my apologies. I don't know how to get around that, and I want to remove/replace names.

*~*~*

My girly has decided that she wants her ears pierced for her birthday. I'm totally cool with it. They're her ears, and she has given it a LOT of thought. However, Daddy made a sad face where Bean couldn't see it. *LOL* You men and that "daughter growing up" thing!

I'm getting it done right, with the piercer who did my belly and cartilage. Fingers crossed that I am not posting about some traumatic piercing experience in the near future.

Now, what can I get pierced along with her? :)

(My husband just groaned inside.)

*~*~*

My night time BP class is consistently full with a full wait list. That makes me happy, but I inherited someone else's class with built-in members, and night time classes always fill up. So I was really psyched today because, in just a month, I have doubled the number of members in the new BP time slot they created in the afternoon.

That is, I was psyched until the following happened: As everyone was leaving, the last woman out said "I usually do BP at *another location of our gym* with *instructor with a penis,* and he inspires me to work hard because he's a guy."

What my brain said was "Bite me! I almost DIED nine months ago and the fact that I got through certification and am here doing this at ALL demonstrates significant strength and determination. So, who inspires you NOW, bitch?!"

What my mouth said was "Have a nice day!" *insert perky smile*

And then I stuck my tongue out at her after she walked out the door.

Wednesday Weirdness

1.) Have you ever purchased an item of clothing and intentionally worn it with tags on it so that you could return it the next day?
Nope. I've thought about it, but never actually did it.

2.) Would you rather be late to the party, or the first person to arrive? Why?
Not the first definitely, but I hate being late to things. It makes me nervous. I stare at the clock trying to stop time. I grew up in the military. If you're not early, you're late.

3.) When do you usually begin your Christmas shopping?
shhhhh...

4.) What three cancelled tv shows do you wish they’d bring back?
Deadwood, Carnivale, Sopranos (I know it wasn't cancelled)

5.) What do you have in your vehicle's glove compartment?
Just the standard stuff. Owner's manual, insurance info, tire gauge.

6.) Have you ever donated blood?
Yes, but they don't like me. I have sticky blood. Comforting to know that it would be hard for me to bleed to death, but rather irritating to the Red Cross ladies. My blood clots in the tube. I haven't done it in a long time, which makes me feel a little guilty because I am O Negative. They ALWAYS want O Neg.

7.) Have you ever kissed or dated someone else's significant other? What happened?
Does middle school count? *LOL* I kissed a friend's boyfriend. And she saw it. *butt squincher*

8.) Have you ever mistaken one product for another while in the bathroom and didn't notice until after you used it? (EXAMPLE: Washing your hair with liquid body soap, slathering hand soap on your legs instead of lotion after a shower, et cetera)
Yes. In college, I came home after my roommate was asleep, so I brushed my teeth in the dark. Then I used mouthwash. Only it wasn't mouthwash, it was hydrogen peroxide. Talk about a surprise. I flipped on the light and I looked like a rabid dog.

At GoG, I almost brushed my teeth with Kelly's hydrocortisone cream. They were lying side by side on the counter, face down. The backs looked identical. That would have tasted a whole lot worse than hydrogen peroxide.

9.) Would you/Have you ever dated someone who had a criminal record?
Not that I'm aware of.

*~*~*

I can't believe it's October. October makes Biscuit start to go all oogy inside because it means that the holidays are coming. Ergo, my "shhhhh" above. I don't *do* holidays very well. Every year I promise myself that next year will be different, but it never is. I start to get that vibration in my chest that makes me feel like I will shatter into a million pieces.

I want to hibernate until January 1.