There would be a post here if I hadn't almost barfed

It'll be here as soon as I can swipe an Internet connection in the house. Blogging on my phone is too hard. I typed up a post in the car on my laptop, but I made myself so car sick that I got the spins. So, it's not finished yet because barf on one's keyboard would be a bad thing.

We're in Duck for the week, which means a bit of free time to catch up. :-)

Okay, here's how fucking out of it I am with that great big nothing hanging out there. It has eaten my brain. I posted the EXACT SAME THING about Bean's expander two posts in a row. With NO RECOLLECTION of having done it before. The words didn't even sound familiar. And NOT ONE of you pointed it out. Some friends you are! ;-)

Y'all think I'm exaggerating when I talk about losing thoughts and whole days sometimes. I'm totally not. Don't you want to be me?

3 hours

That's how long I have left. Three hours until summer vacation officially starts. Don't worry, I'll be just as excited as they are when they get off of the bus.

I'm a really good actress.

Geez, where does the time go? Is anyone else feeling the *insert crickets chirping here* ? You know, that great big nothing hanging out there. The blahs. The I'd-better-think-of-something-to-say-or-they'll-think-I-died thing? Except that I know most of what I have to say amounts to "Dear Diary..."

Whatever. Fuck it. It *is* a journal of sorts, for me anyway. (You don't even want to know how long I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to punctuate that sentence correctly, and I'm pretty sure I still got it wrong. *waving* Hi, Master of Speech, Language, & Hearing degree! If you could only see me now!)

*~*~*

Last week, Bean got her palate expander put in. She was soooo good about it. They put it in to make sure it fit before they cemented it to her teeth, and she popped up with a look on her face that told me she was a little surprised by what it felt like. I asked her if she was okay, and she gave me the "give me a minute" finger. It only took her 30 seconds to calm herself down, and then she went back down to have it taken out and then put back in. Permanently. For 6-9 months, anyway.

She had another little moment when she started to choke on her own saliva. Your mouth mistakes the appliance for food at first, and it goes crazy. Given her very strong gag reflex, I'm surprised she dealt with that so well. It calmed down after a few hours.

It's a similar concept to being stretched on a medieval rack. Every day, we put the key in that little hole and crank the thing open a little bit more. There's a bit of a learning curve to that part. It often takes me a couple of tries before I get it done right. Even though it gets tighter and is uncomfortable for a while, Bean lets me know if I didn't get it.

"You didn't get it, Mom."

"That time?"

"No."

"How about this time?"

"Yep!" and a congratulatory thumbs up. Yay, Mom!

The plan is to turn it every day for 10 days (today will be day number 9), then we see him on Monday to determine if we need to do it more. After we are done expanding, the appliance will stay in place for 6-9 months. There's a whole list of things she can't eat, and she hasn't complained yet. It takes some creativity to find variety when she can't have anything sticky, chewy, or *too* crunchy, and lots of things that are technically ok to eat get stuck and scare her. I got her a waterpik, and she shot me in the face SEVERAL times before she figured out how to keep her hand on the switch to turn it off *before* pulling it out of her mouth.

*~*~*

H made Patrol!!! This is a HUGE deal to him and to us. The Patrols help with bus line up, help children get on and off the bus safely, and deal with any minor safety infractions on the bus. H has wanted to do this since first grade. He had to write an essay describing the qualities a Patrol should have, and why he thought he would be good at the job.

We are proud of him for seeking out this responsibility, and happy with the school for giving it to him. Considering his issues, it would have been very easy to say that he couldn't handle it. It was a nice upturn at the end of a craptastic school year.

I'm going to go enjoy my silence while I can.

Note to Self: Never camp with anyone other than my family.

Bean and I had a Brownie camp out this past weekend. Yay! Camping two weekends in a row!

Except, not. Not yay, because it wasn't nearly as good as camping with family the previous weekend. Not really camping because we were in the troop leaders back yard.

I'll just hit the highlights...

• I was the only mom who volunteered to spend the night.
• Five logs and ten homemade fire starters do not a fire make. I was a tad dismayed (in other words...WTF?) when I opened the back of the troop leaders truck and that was all I found.
• Troop leaders who have never been to the state park should not call the shots regarding which paths to take for the hike.
• No, the trail does *not* circle around. No matter how many times you declare that you think it does, it does not.
• Why won't anyone listen to me?
• If you are not familiar with the flora and fauna, don't improvise! Unless you like having my 8-year-old correct you.
• Tree roots along the banks of the creek, still attached to the tree but exposed, ARE NOT BEAVER DAMS.
• How do you get to be 40 years old and NOT know how to strike a match???
• One must be vigilant about monitoring the look on one's face while watching troop leaders roast hot dogs and marshmallows over burning People magazine pages.
• Should I let my daughter eat that? Is it even warm? How about just a bun with some ketchup?
• How do you *forget* to bring your daughter's clothes and sleeping bag? How do you not answer your phone or return your daughter's calls asking for her clothes and sleeping bag, well after 9pm? (You'll love this if you've been around here for a while... it was Spam-Me-With-the-Baby-Jesus mom, the one who puts her real estate business card in the Christmas cards she mails to all of her daughter's classmates every year.)
• Troop leader's husbands who think it's funny to scare little girls in their tent should not be surprised to get phone calls from the neighbors regarding the screaming.
• Little girls will play sleeping spot roulette until half of the girls are crying.
• Little girls will miss their mothers and cry.
• Little girls who did not let Mrs. Biscuit go to sleep until 12:30 will somehow still wake up at 5am.
• Dear Troop Leader...regarding the fauna...it's a Blue HERON. HERON. Not HERRING.

Bean had a blast. All that counts, in the end.

*~*~*

Yesterday, Bean had her palate expander put in. That girl totally rocks! She only had two moments of unhappiness. The first was right after it was cemented to her teeth. She popped up and the look on her face was sad. I asked her if she was okay, and she nodded and gave me the "Give me a minute" finger. I think she spent a whopping 30 seconds calming herself down, and back down she went for them to finish. The second was a few minutes later when she was practically choking on saliva. The mouth confuses the expander with food at first, and goes to town.

She has to learn a different swallowing pattern, and her speech sounds a little mushy, but she's already made significant improvement since last night.

Now if I can just get my part right. I have to turn the key every day, for 2-4 weeks, to crank that sucker open. It's like a car jack, only sideways in the roof of your mouth. Sounds fun, huh?

*~*~*

So, it's the last full week of school, I made the reservations for our Duck house in July, and I've got my plane ticket for GoG in August.

Bring it, Summer.

Camping...Nature's Way of Feeding Mosquitos

We went camping last weekend with the cub scouts. We had originally planned to leave Friday after school, but the storms kind of changed our mind. We decided that if our yard was a lake, then the camp grounds probably weren't much better.

Saturday, however, was beautiful. We camped at Little Bennett Regional Park, and our spot just happened to be directly across from the showers and bathrooms. SCORE! None of that walking 1/2 a mile in the pitch black with your little flashlight that only gives you a tiny clue where you are going to be 3 feet from now.

On the none-scoring side, we were right next to a family that apparently lives in their own little world. They locked/unlocked their car every *BEEP!* single *BEEP!* time *BEEP!* they went to it to get something. And they got a lot of somethings. Often. Their car was 30 feet from their tent, 20 feet from the table and chairs they set up, and they friggin' locked it, during the day, when they were sitting right next to it. They did it at 6 am, they did it at 11 pm.

Is it just *my* car that locks on the first click, and only beeps if you click it again? That "just checking" click. The one that is TOTALLY UNNECESSARY 99% of the time! Are there actually cars that beep every damn time you touch that button?

Bean had a couple of girlfriends there with their families. At least I'm assuming they were with their families...didn't see much of them. We have somehow become the camp site to hang out at, and I have somehow become the entertainer/feeder of the children who hang at our camp site. The upside is that they are keeping my kids entertained, so what's a little extra food?

The downside is waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that letting 4 rambunctious kids tumble on your air mattress really *isn't* harmless.

Bean came to me crying, saying that some ants were being mean to a caterpillar and she couldn't make them stop. We went off to find it, and she started spinning in circles looking for it and all I could think was "Please please PLEASE I hope I didn't step on it." We found it, and, indeed, the ants were being mean. They were the big ones, too. I dragged them all off of the caterpillar with a tiny stick, and then told Bean to pick it up and carry it away. I'm pretty sure the damage was already done, but she felt better, and that's all that really counts.

There were water gun fights, kickball games. and multiple trips to the playground. Hot dogs and burgers for the kids, and steak, baked potatoes, and a baked onion for us. You can't beat a fine wine in a solo cup. Oh, and Jiffy Pop! I totally *high 5'd* myself for that one.

There was a bonfire and s'mores at 8:00, and an old flag was retired. Some of the kids took off with a lantern and started telling ghost stories out in the field. This eventually led to the "3 girls = hurt feelings" phenomenon. H was completely beside himself that he didn't get to bed until 9:45. He is completely anal about his sleep routine. He MUST go to bed at 8:00, he MUST get up at 6:00, and there is NO napping during the day unless you are sick or on a long car ride.

It started raining at 3 am. Rain is REALLY LOUD on a tent. Rain that was not really predicted seems even louder when you realize all of your stuff is sitting out in it. It was a cold, wet morning, and I had to be out of there by 7:45 to sub a spin class. We packed a lot of wet stuff, which was then hung out to dry all afternoon.

Gosh...seems like I hit a lot of the low points, but it was truly a great trip. We're hoping to do a longer one, possibly just us, and a little more wilderness-y.

After I get a new air mattress.

How did we ever live without Google?

Just for fun, I thought I would check out some of my recent google searches. In addition to fun, it helps me in my goal to not let an entire week go by without posting.

"auto brightness on iphone" - I discovered that feature while plundering through my settings, and couldn't quite figure out what it meant. Yes, it seems self-explanatory, but after doing my own experiment, it didn't seem to do anything. Ergo, google search.

"biggest smelly flower" - Bean needed this information. I'm not really sure why. She asks, I google. It's a "corpse flower," if you're curious. I *really* don't want to smell one.

"phineas and ferb get busted" <------- I did not do this search. My children have learned how to work the google. They've been given instructions that they are not allowed to google anything, or watch youtube videos (learned how to work that, too) without asking. A couple of children are now busted, as well.

"Marc Roberge" - Lead singer for O.A.R. I had to see if he looked like his voice. Good god, that man's voice sends me over the edge. In a good way. *chills*

"Kay Redfield Jamison quotes" - I can't remember why I was looking this up. Kay Redfield Jamison is the author of "An Unquiet Mind," an excellent book about living, and almost not, with bipolar disorder. If you have bipolar disorder, love someone with bipolar disorder, or just want to understand someone with bipolar disorder, I can't recommend this book highly enough.

"missing desktop icons" - Farking Vista. Half of my desktop icons just stopped working one day. *click click*...nothing. So, I did a restart. Guess what? The ones that didn't work were GONE. Half of my icons just went *poof*. I can't remember what the hell they all were, so now, as I need those programs, I have to go into the Start Menu and recreate a shortcut.

"when I grow up lyrics" - I was quite relieved to find out that the Pussycat Dolls wanted "groupies" and not "boobies" when they grow up. I mean, who *doesn't* want boobies, on themselves or someone else, but I really don't want my 8-year-old singing about it. I don't really want her singing that song at all, but if she's going to, and some things I just have no control over between school and @#$%&! Kidz Bop (Thankyouverymuch McDonald's Happy Meals. Didn't see that one coming. The commercials are bad enough, but I had managed to avoid buying them despite repeated requests.), at least she's not announcing loudly that she can't wait to grow (and here's where you can add "slang words for breasts" to the google searches)(and did you know there's 138?)(Neeners? Really?) breasts.

Funny story... A lovely BFF (I told you, I'm 13! Shut up.) whom I will not name, has a daughter roughly the same age as mine, who announced recently that she can't wait to grow up and have her own boobies so she can touch them all the time. Right in the middle of laughing, I realized that she has a point. Unfortunately, when she grows up, she'll find out that it's much more fun to feel someone *else's* boobies than it is your own. I would imagine. I'm pretty sure. Any volunteers?

Today, "frottage" - This makes three times now that I've learned a new word (Okay, two. I *thought* I knew what one of them was, and I was in the ballpark.) from Figleaf. I can't remember what those other ones were, and the amount of plundering it would take to find them...wait, let me try just for fun...I know they are in a post about pockets (I apparently only remember things I don't need to know.).

Found'em! "tautologically" and "therbligs"

Go ahead...add them to *your* google searches.

TMI

Wow, this one is all over the place...

1. Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?
I currently live about 800 miles from the small town in southern Illinois where I was born. In between then and now, I have not only lived all over the US, I have gone back there to live a couple of times.

2. What is the farthest distance from home you have ever had sex or an orgasm?
Honeymoon in Jamaica.

What is the farthest distance you have traveled from your home to have a sexual encounter?
Are we talking traveling just to have sex and nothing else? Like, booty call travel? That would be out my back door, across the back yard, across his back yard, and in his back door. (heh...shut up) Not really so far. :-)

3. How many states (or Canadian provences or your country's geopolitical division) and counties have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?
Let's see...Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, Maryland, DC, and *possibly* Texas and Illinois, although I'm not entirely sure about those. I'm not even going to attempt the counties, but I will say that some of the things I've done were illegal in many of them.

4. Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?
Yes, and no.

5. Do you have any travel related fantasy? If so, share, please.
Does an elevator count? It *does* travel. Up and down. I say it qualifies. So, yes. I'll keep the details to myself, thank you.

Bonus: On holidays that honor our military do you tend to remember those currently serving or veterans of military service?
My understanding of Memorial Day is that its purpose is to remember those who sacrificed their lives while serving in the military. I am blessed that I have not lost anyone close to me, so my thoughts are geared more toward being grateful for the selflessness of the many men and women who gladly bore the burden of protecting our country.

*~*~*

I had other stuff to say, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. Shocking...

I could give up chocolate, but I'm not a quitter

~*~*~

My 8-year-old Bean has taken to waking me up on the weekends with coffee and a dark chocolate truffle in bed. She makes the coffee herself, with one Splenda and just the right amount of milk.

No, you can't have her.

~*~*~